One thing

What's one thing that you don't care to have lots of people know about you?

I was going to say that I don't like to share my emotions. Even when something super happy or super sad happens I try to keep my feelings from showing. Keep them from showing in the usual way that is. I'll display them cryptically in a way that I might think is obvious but most other people do not catch on to. But this didn't answer my question really how I meant it.

One fact that I don't share with very many people is that I live in my head a lot. If life was like the daydreams I can dream up it would be quite amazing. Which is why sometimes I get upset at life because it is not often super amazing. It's often dull and mundane and can be downright ornery at times. And sometimes I get a little bit mad at people because of the same thing.
I also have trouble just living in the moment. One of my friends made the comment that extroverted people are generally happier then introverted people. Well yes I do believe this is correct from the extroverted side of it. And even I consent that it's somewhat true. Because people who are extroverted and even a lot of introverts live in the moment and have grand times. My head usually skips to the next moment. I wonder what is going to happen and whether it will be fun. The moments are whispering by unnoticed by me and I could be having fun but I keep thinking about the next one and what will happen with it. On the other side of it tho, sad is happy for deep people. I don't know how to explain that one but I know what it means to me.


What is one thing about you that you don't really care to have people know?

Did writing this and sending it out to the world actually help me in any way? I don't know. Now y'all know a bit more about me and why I act the way I do. And that is actually kinda freaky. Very freaky.

Be careful.

Give

This morning we heard about giving. It was brought to us in an unusual way, highlighting the sailors who rowed hard to try to get to shore instead of rightaways tossing Jonah overboard. They tried to help Jonah, giving their all to try to get everyone safely to shore. The question was asked- what are you giving? An example was brought about Christmas gifts. Sometimes you see something for the person who's name you have pulled and the price is higher than the price limit you have agreed on. But you buy it. That's giving. Going above and beyond. Not begrudgingly. But wanting to. What are you giving? What am I giving?? 

 Of course the first thing that comes to mind is Gallup. When I left I felt like I was giving 6 months of time time to help some needy kids. When I was done those 6 months I didn't feel like I had given so much of my time but I felt like I gained love and knowledge and inspiration. From those darling kids. From my new friends. From my 6 months in a different life.  
 During Christmas we as a youth do a lot of singing to old folks. And other people. One evening I was definitely tired of singing the same songs over and over again. I gave myself and went anyways. I watched them sing along with us. I smiled at a few. Later I went around shaking hands and one man thanked me for the smile I had given him earlier. I was taken aback. I've been going to sing at this place every few weeks for a few years now. I watched this particular man recover from something, graduate from listening to us awkwardly from a cot to being able to come in a wheelchair. And he took my smile and returned it and later thanked me for it. He gave it back to me, with joy.

  I met someone in the store the other day. This is on the opposite side, I didn't give first. I don't go to the same church as this lady. She's my friends' aunt but our paths cross once maybe twice a year, usually in a crowded church foyer. But his lady recognized me in the store and came over to tall to me. She called me by name and asked me about Gallup and when I had got home and that sort of stuff. Why should she care about me? I barely know her. But that's who she is. She gives. And the people getting what she's giving, in this case me, feel special because of it 
To me giving is getting. I don't necessarily think about it when I do small things like smiling at people but I think about what I get. Like a simple thank you. It made my day.

The Interesting Part Must Be Over

 Does anyone check this blog anymore? You probably do not care anymore because it will all be normal stuff about a normal girl. The interesting part is over. Short but sweet. Boom. Done. Bye

Would you do it?

I'm going to try to tell you about the life I lived the last 6 months. You've read the basics. But I have not been able to put absolutely everything into words. I still don't know how to do that but I'll attempt to give you a little bit more of a glimpse.


I watched one little girl learn to crawl and stand up and my heart cried as I watched her. I love her. I never wanted to see her leave. But where was her mom to see her reach these important milestones?

We got a call for two girls who had told their teacher they were scared to go home. In the end, they did not come to our home but my heart cried for these 2 girls I didn't know. Because little girls should not have to be scared to go home. To me the word 'home' means safety. And love.

I walked the dark halls one night- peering into each crib and bed, kissing soft, sleeping cheeks, rocking the crying one-year-old, fixing a bottle for the fussing baby. I leaned over the bassinet and saw the faces of 2 innocent, beautiful babies. And I cried. Because I can only take care of them for a few weeks. I can't teach them the necessities of a good life. And being babies in care already, they don't stand much of a chance.

I watched a 4-year-old make the whole house dislike him. I saw how happy everyone was when he left and my heart cried. Because he didn't know love til he came into our care. He didn't know what to do with the love so he turned it into hurt. And gave it back.

I admitted a boisterous, obnoxious 7-year-old whi apparently had been taking care of his sister for the last while. I watched him be super sweet to her and then turn around and taunt and bully and hurt the other kids without shame or remorse. I took him on my lap one day in the middle of an anger fit and he started crying and did not want to let go. And my heart cried. Because a 7-year-old should not have to take care of a baby. He should not have to have such nonchalance when hurting someone or being punished. He should not have to feel that the only way to get thru life without being hurt is to hurt first.

We had 2 children come for just overnight. None of their family would claim them. They had been to our home 3 times before and seemed resigned to their fate. And my heart cried for them because their lives will never be normal.

I sang the words 'Beautiful things in life won't come easy.' And I stared down at the soft little two-month-old face in my arms and I cried. Because the beautiful child I was holding already hadn't had an easy life. And most likely it will only get worse.

I heard the little 2-year-old call me 'Mom.' I heard her whispered words 'I love you!' and I felt her warm chubby hug wrapping round me. Three months later I watched as her birth mom came to pick her up. I saw this tiny child cry and cling to this life, the one life she knows. And I cried. I cried for the little girl who didn't know her mom. Who called me 'mom.'

 I held the unusually quiet, sleeping 4-month-old in my arms during church. I look around and see the 9-year-old trying to sing along to the songs he doesn't know, the 6-year-old standing proudly by Papa as he leads songs. And I cry. Because we truly sat in heavenly places in that small chapel. And I took it forgranted.



That's the biggest part about the life that I miss. It hurts me that I couldn't be there forever. But it made my life so much the better. It made me more thankful for anything that I have. And I have more friends.
 And what about the price I paid? I left part of my heart there. They say home is where your heart is. But part of my heart is there, part of it is here, part of it is with my little sisters - I've left my heart in so many places I don't have just one home anymore. That's the price I paid. 

All I Can Do Is Cry

 To most everybody it's just another day. Same as ever. But for me it's one of the worst days of my life. Just this morning I was taking school children to the bus stop. And where am I now?? In a big old beast of an airplane. Taking me away from the place I want to be.
This is all wrong. I feel like I've stolen someone else's life. It shouldn't be me. I shouldn't have to leave. It hasn't hit yet. I'll be home and my dreams will be back here. It can't be real! No! Don't let this happen!! Let me go back! Stooooooop!
The wheels of this beast hum against the pavement. And six months are taking their leave. Flying out the unopened window. Gone

 Written Wednesday, October 23, 2019 the day I left home to go home

Blink

Blink. I'm home. Did you miss me??

Canyon de Chelly

 Yes, Canyon de Chelly again. The canyon is still breathtaking no matter how or how often you look at it.. trotting down the path on one side of the canyon wall.. staring with awe into the deep crater from the very top.. trying to take it all in while also trying to make your horse keep up with the rest.. bouncing along in the tight quarters of the back of a Jeep. On foot you don't see much but intricacies. From the top you can see the whole canyon if you stop at a few different lookouts. Horseback is a fun experience especially if you have a guide who likes to talk. And by jeep you can see a lot more but you have to keep getting in and out of the cramped back seat and there's a lot of sand to get in your eyes.
 I wouldn't hesitate to try any of these again and I would definitely recommend them.