Confession

 I screamed at a mouse today.

Without you.

Excitement coursed through me when I first found out. An unexpected free evening followed by a quiet morning. I could go to bed when I wanted without factoring in trying to get you through the bath and into bed. I could get up when I wanted and know take as long as I needed without wondering when you 2 would get up and start fighting as seems to be the usual when you come. I could finally get some sewing done without feeling guilty about not spending the time with you! You would be having the fun you wanted and then when you came around lunchtime I would be refreshed and ready for you.

The evening came, and went. The morning also came, and also is gone. A bunch of sewing got done. A trip to the library. Cleaning up. Vacuuming. Dusting. Things I used to get done but not so much anymore. The house looked spotless. Too spotless. There wasn't a hockey stick lying in the hall. The hockey gloves stayed in the spot I had put them hours ago. 

And now, the afternoon is leaving and it is almost evening and you are still not here. And I miss you and wish you were here. And while I miss your presence and even your mess, a small part of me does not miss the emotions that surely will come with you, like they always do. 

Grandma

'Addie is coming'

A note for herself. Shaky writing. Three words that show obvious excitement. A visit from the granddaughter! Finally! Three words that show that she is getting old. That she doesn't trust herself to remember what seems to be an exciting event in her week. A break in routine. 

More visitors. Catching up. Reminiscing. Memories of friends gone. I sit on the bed and observe. She's relaxed. She's totally comfortable with them. She looks small in her big chair. Fragile. She used to be tall, regal, confident. A prayer. For strength for her. Of thankfulness for the home she can live in. 'And bless Addie for visiting her grandma. Amen' 

Oh. I don't deserve that. How many weeks has it been since I last came to see her? I don't dare count. I feel ashamed.

A Handful of Night

Stars that seem to dance 

a moon who illuminates 

the sky 

oh how can

you be fearful of the

night

its wonders that seem

so far away

too distant to

reach

oh to hold a

handful of night. 

By a friend. 

Reminds me of some words penned many years ago by another friend of mine. 

'Tho the night be dark and dreary, darkness cannot hide from Thee..'*

 

 Wise and beautiful words, my friends.

*Can be found in the song 'Saviour, Breathe an Evening Blessing.' Number 70 in the Christian Hymnal

The Blessing of Blessings

She said it best, for all of us. What she posted a few days ago here, I will repost.

 

 

First we scoured Kijiji. 200$ seemed like a lot back then. She was worth every penny.   

She was the darling of the family as a baby. We didn’t have any other babies then. I was the only girl at home. I spent time chilling with her, reading and cuddling while the others were in school.   

We debated her name. We found the perfect name, a nod to our recent past, a way of keeping Africa alive in Canada. Blessings.   

She grew into an obnoxious tween, a little awkward, very bouncy.   

All the people (not actually all.)  made fun of her name. They thought her wrinkles were ugly. They were annoyed because she was so loving.  

She grew up, into the gentlest of dogs. She was intuitively precious with all our babies. We never sawed a bared tooth or heard an impatient growl no matter which baby girl pulled to standing on her fur.   

Not everyone saw her as gentle. Her deep voice and large size intimidated all the delivery drivers and caused even the bravest Jehovah’s  Witness to abandon their witness with a string of expletives.   

She was always there, undemanding, patient, a friend, a companion, an unbiased listening ear, a furry shoulder to cry on. Always there.   

At an old age she was forced to adopt a rambunctious child. The playful child kept her young just a little longer, but she was always the boss. The child is lovely, but she can never be a replacement for Blessings.  

She got old and crippled. She continued to be there, even in pain, for the little boy who names his stuffies after her and the sensitive little girl who benefited from the passive therapy only a animal can give. She was still always there  whenever I came home to visit , staggering as fast as she could to meet me. She kissed my baby the last time we were there and he wiggled with delight. I guess I kind of knew it might be the last time we’d see her.   

“Do dogs go to heaven?” the little one asked. She said it for all of us. Most of us have never had to say goodbye to a pet this loved.   

We’ll miss you, Blessings.

Highlings and Lowlights and Random Information

Ungraded to Comfort+! Twice the legroom of the backseat of a Ford truck! 

The lady beside me plays a game while watching a movie on split screen on her phone. Open the window already!! She does for landing but only glances out the window hurriedly a few times before bending back to frantically tap her screen, effectively blocking my view with her bent head. 

No missed flights.. just a few late and/or delayed ones.. and a few early ones. Window seats 7 out of 8 flights! By choice tho, so not too surprising. 

Leaving my jacket on the very first flight of the trip and have to suffer thru the cold the rest of the week. And being paranoid about losing something else with so much travel. 

Excitement. Suddenly the old man directly in front of me was not responding and his side sitters were pushing the call button and the flight attendants were paging for doctors and the ER doctor used his 'Fisher Price' stethoscope and talked to his wife and got him responding and decided he was just dehydrated not having a heart attack. And they took him to the back of the plane in a wheelchair and started an IV. 

Suddenly Kayla was backing the bright red Honda Civic out of the parking space as fast as she pulled in. The source of the panic lay on the ground beside the immaculate white Ford truck. A golf club. Shattered glass on the ground. A hole thru the front passenger window. Did they see us coming and run? Why leave the golf club? Would our rented Civic meet the same fate? 

Our plane moved just as fast as the sun was rising. The view I saw as we were coming in for landing was the same as when we took off. Only this time, snow covered mountains made it even more spectacular.

Travel

All the time in the world. But no inspiration.