Give

This morning we heard about giving. It was brought to us in an unusual way, highlighting the sailors who rowed hard to try to get to shore instead of rightaways tossing Jonah overboard. They tried to help Jonah, giving their all to try to get everyone safely to shore. The question was asked- what are you giving? An example was brought about Christmas gifts. Sometimes you see something for the person who's name you have pulled and the price is higher than the price limit you have agreed on. But you buy it. That's giving. Going above and beyond. Not begrudgingly. But wanting to. What are you giving? What am I giving?? 

 Of course the first thing that comes to mind is Gallup. When I left I felt like I was giving 6 months of time time to help some needy kids. When I was done those 6 months I didn't feel like I had given so much of my time but I felt like I gained love and knowledge and inspiration. From those darling kids. From my new friends. From my 6 months in a different life.  
 During Christmas we as a youth do a lot of singing to old folks. And other people. One evening I was definitely tired of singing the same songs over and over again. I gave myself and went anyways. I watched them sing along with us. I smiled at a few. Later I went around shaking hands and one man thanked me for the smile I had given him earlier. I was taken aback. I've been going to sing at this place every few weeks for a few years now. I watched this particular man recover from something, graduate from listening to us awkwardly from a cot to being able to come in a wheelchair. And he took my smile and returned it and later thanked me for it. He gave it back to me, with joy.

  I met someone in the store the other day. This is on the opposite side, I didn't give first. I don't go to the same church as this lady. She's my friends' aunt but our paths cross once maybe twice a year, usually in a crowded church foyer. But his lady recognized me in the store and came over to tall to me. She called me by name and asked me about Gallup and when I had got home and that sort of stuff. Why should she care about me? I barely know her. But that's who she is. She gives. And the people getting what she's giving, in this case me, feel special because of it 
To me giving is getting. I don't necessarily think about it when I do small things like smiling at people but I think about what I get. Like a simple thank you. It made my day.

The Interesting Part Must Be Over

 Does anyone check this blog anymore? You probably do not care anymore because it will all be normal stuff about a normal girl. The interesting part is over. Short but sweet. Boom. Done. Bye

Would you do it?

I'm going to try to tell you about the life I lived the last 6 months. You've read the basics. But I have not been able to put absolutely everything into words. I still don't know how to do that but I'll attempt to give you a little bit more of a glimpse.


I watched one little girl learn to crawl and stand up and my heart cried as I watched her. I love her. I never wanted to see her leave. But where was her mom to see her reach these important milestones?

We got a call for two girls who had told their teacher they were scared to go home. In the end, they did not come to our home but my heart cried for these 2 girls I didn't know. Because little girls should not have to be scared to go home. To me the word 'home' means safety. And love.

I walked the dark halls one night- peering into each crib and bed, kissing soft, sleeping cheeks, rocking the crying one-year-old, fixing a bottle for the fussing baby. I leaned over the bassinet and saw the faces of 2 innocent, beautiful babies. And I cried. Because I can only take care of them for a few weeks. I can't teach them the necessities of a good life. And being babies in care already, they don't stand much of a chance.

I watched a 4-year-old make the whole house dislike him. I saw how happy everyone was when he left and my heart cried. Because he didn't know love til he came into our care. He didn't know what to do with the love so he turned it into hurt. And gave it back.

I admitted a boisterous, obnoxious 7-year-old whi apparently had been taking care of his sister for the last while. I watched him be super sweet to her and then turn around and taunt and bully and hurt the other kids without shame or remorse. I took him on my lap one day in the middle of an anger fit and he started crying and did not want to let go. And my heart cried. Because a 7-year-old should not have to take care of a baby. He should not have to have such nonchalance when hurting someone or being punished. He should not have to feel that the only way to get thru life without being hurt is to hurt first.

We had 2 children come for just overnight. None of their family would claim them. They had been to our home 3 times before and seemed resigned to their fate. And my heart cried for them because their lives will never be normal.

I sang the words 'Beautiful things in life won't come easy.' And I stared down at the soft little two-month-old face in my arms and I cried. Because the beautiful child I was holding already hadn't had an easy life. And most likely it will only get worse.

I heard the little 2-year-old call me 'Mom.' I heard her whispered words 'I love you!' and I felt her warm chubby hug wrapping round me. Three months later I watched as her birth mom came to pick her up. I saw this tiny child cry and cling to this life, the one life she knows. And I cried. I cried for the little girl who didn't know her mom. Who called me 'mom.'

 I held the unusually quiet, sleeping 4-month-old in my arms during church. I look around and see the 9-year-old trying to sing along to the songs he doesn't know, the 6-year-old standing proudly by Papa as he leads songs. And I cry. Because we truly sat in heavenly places in that small chapel. And I took it forgranted.



That's the biggest part about the life that I miss. It hurts me that I couldn't be there forever. But it made my life so much the better. It made me more thankful for anything that I have. And I have more friends.
 And what about the price I paid? I left part of my heart there. They say home is where your heart is. But part of my heart is there, part of it is here, part of it is with my little sisters - I've left my heart in so many places I don't have just one home anymore. That's the price I paid. 

All I Can Do Is Cry

 To most everybody it's just another day. Same as ever. But for me it's one of the worst days of my life. Just this morning I was taking school children to the bus stop. And where am I now?? In a big old beast of an airplane. Taking me away from the place I want to be.
This is all wrong. I feel like I've stolen someone else's life. It shouldn't be me. I shouldn't have to leave. It hasn't hit yet. I'll be home and my dreams will be back here. It can't be real! No! Don't let this happen!! Let me go back! Stooooooop!
The wheels of this beast hum against the pavement. And six months are taking their leave. Flying out the unopened window. Gone

 Written Wednesday, October 23, 2019 the day I left home to go home

Blink

Blink. I'm home. Did you miss me??

Canyon de Chelly

 Yes, Canyon de Chelly again. The canyon is still breathtaking no matter how or how often you look at it.. trotting down the path on one side of the canyon wall.. staring with awe into the deep crater from the very top.. trying to take it all in while also trying to make your horse keep up with the rest.. bouncing along in the tight quarters of the back of a Jeep. On foot you don't see much but intricacies. From the top you can see the whole canyon if you stop at a few different lookouts. Horseback is a fun experience especially if you have a guide who likes to talk. And by jeep you can see a lot more but you have to keep getting in and out of the cramped back seat and there's a lot of sand to get in your eyes.
 I wouldn't hesitate to try any of these again and I would definitely recommend them.

Albuquerque

How do you put wonderfulness into words? My sis and brother-in-law came to see me. That doesn't do the visit any justice.
 After 4 months of calls and messages my sister came to spend a few amazing days with me! Too fake.
 My eldest sister and her husband embarked on a journey into the desserts of New Mexico to visit me after I had been taking care of these children for 4 months.
 Just kidding. To know how wonderful this visit was you would have to be living my life. So maybe I should just skip this post because all we did was shop in Albuquerque. And sleep. Oh and they were here over the busiest day in my history here. They did a lot of vacuuming and mopping and cooking that day. And holding babies.
 I think they enjoyed it here as much as I enjoyed having them. Or my sister did anyways.
 There you have it. The bare minimum. The finer details are boring anyways to someone who didn't live those few days with us. Besides this post is super late.

Girls and Cleaning

Inspiration hits at random times. Now is not one of those times but this has gotta be done. 

C is a chubby 8 year old with super low self esteem although she doesn’t know what that is. She’s an 8 year old who can write her name but not spell it to you. When she came she didn’t recognize any letters of the alphabet. She loves giving and getting hugs. 

M is 4. She’s learned to talk a lot better in the last few weeks than when she first came. She can be super stubborn. What she needs is a loving family who can focus on her and give her the help she needs growing up. But then which or these kids doesn’t need that. 

T was super shy and well behaved when she dame. But after a few weeks of being h r she’s gotten used to everything and now this 5-year-old can pout with the best of them. She is still sweet tho. 

C, a 6 year old has been through a lot in her life.  This is her second time being her in the last year. And despite neglect and abuse she is a very ‘normal’ child. Or maybe it just hasn’t affected her yet. She can still throw a tantrum and fight like the rest of them but she’s an amazing girl. 

J is a very disturbed 7 year old.  You can’t help but love her and wonder who and what made her the way she is. 

JJ is a very active almost 3 year old. She was very recently bumped up into girls from second nursery.. you’ve heard about her in some of my other posts. She possesses a strong will and too much energy. She has a very fake grin  that she’ll try to charm you with when she’s being naughty. Or anytime. 

X is a very angry 4 year old. She was here with her siblings for a few days after I arrived in May. After being gone for 4 months they were back here.  She’s small but fierce. Super fierce. 

E is a very sweet little 3 yr old. She’s a sister but exact opposite to the aforementioned X. In the few days she was here she didn’t warm up enamour to starting acting up. 

As the name implies, Girls and Cleaning teacher does a lot of cleaning. Such as wiping every single light switch in the whole house. But enlist the help of  a few little four year olds and you’re done in no time. 

There you have the bare minimum. But to tell you the half I would not be able to do. For you to know the half you would have to come visit this place. You’d have to help with 6 admissions at 7am on Sunday morning...sit in church surrounded by dark heads....rock the screaming 2 year old. For you to know the half you’d have to come live here. For more than 6 months.  I can’t even know the half. 

The Chimes Of The Bells

 We have two bells around here. They both control our lives to some extent. The small one is average size and the larger one is small. They both have a girly loud voice to which our ears are tuned quite keenly. One tells us when it's time to eat and the other tells us when it's time for herself to eat. One is an actual bell and the other is the actual baby Bell. We couldn't live without them.

Second Nursery, Two ways

Second Nurse, Two Ways

  It’s and exhilarating experience that can get your heart pumping. I think it’s my least favourite job. 

  It’s being torn from my home at the tender age of 1 or 2 and being dropped in a home with 3 or 4 other children who are my age and being my normal needy, crazy, curious 2 -year-old self. 

  It’s hearing uh-uh-uh and then screams cuz there are 3 or 4 of them who want attention RIGHT NOW and I don’t have that much attention to give right here and right now. 

  It’s not knowing how to talk properly and trying to get my teacher’s attention while the other kids also want her attention and IT’S NOT WORKING SO I’M GOING TO SCREAM!!

  It’s being a bit stressed with four kids and unexpectedly admitting another one and now having 5 to take care of. 

  It’s being suddenly taken from home and family and being placed in this emergency shelter where everything and everyone is strange so of course I’ll cry. 

  It’s being downstairs at 0600 everyday and just about going crazy in the ensuing 2 hours. 

  It’s having slept at least 10 hours and being ready to play and not sleep. It’s wanting breakfast now!

  It’s dealing with a screaming 2 year old all morning and finally holding her close rocking her to sleep at nap time

  It’s having got up on the wrong side of bed and having everything go wrong all morning and finally getting the attention and love I’ve been needing all morning and being held as I fall asleep at nap time. 

  It’s taking all four kids into the nursery together to be ‘efficient’ and get their baths down quickly but then they pull clothes out of drawers and stick stuff into the humidifier and climb in and out of the cribs an unplug nightlights and noisemakers and make me pretty much pull out my hair. But I got them bathed and combed in 40 minutes. 

  Excuse me? We are 2! You expect the three of us to just sit quietly and just wait patiently for our turn in the bath??

  It’s standing by each of the cribs individually while the child inside it drifts off to slumberland. 

  It’s being wired and not able to go to sleep by myself. It’s needing a small amount of comfort and one on one time in this crazy emergency shelter where there are lots of kids and just enough staff to see that the minimum needs are taken care of. 

  It’s holding a 2-year-old and crying because I can’t give them everything they need because there’s not enough time or resources or anything. 

  It’s wrapping your little arms around my teacher because I know that she’s doing what she can and that she loves me. 

8-06-19 to 8-12-19

  

Questions? Call Me.

  Second float. Lets see what I can tell you about it. It’s vacuuming or mopping every day. It’s having the not very fun jobs when 2 people are off cuz first float gets to pick. Except sometimes first float is not always up to the fun jobs so you get them. It’s ‘DIRTY DIAPER SECOND FLOAT!!!!!!!!!’ whenever second nurse girl is on playduty. It’s sleeping on the couch downstairs and doing 0100 admissions. It’s a lot of things. Floating, like the name implies. 

7-30-19 to 8-5-19

Ooo-la-la

  Well, back to my favorite job again. Excuse the sarcasm. My KA week was actually tolerable. Maybe due to the fact that 2.5 of those days were not spent actually doing KA work (due to family and inexplicable reasons exclusive to this home). And I had a great Head Cook to work with. Meals and dishes were done efficiently and on time, and outlet tome spent in the kitchen was neither super long nor super boring. I tried to serve up interesting veggies instead of just carrots and cucumbers and ranch and I think I was successful. The most stressful part was Sunday dinner. Sunday dinners should be a bit fancy right?? Which mean quite a bit kore work for KA. But then people offer to help and everything gets done and the homemade ice cream is well appreciated and it is all worth the effort.  

Alendo

Sysco came to see me

  What happens when 2 Canadian girls with high ambitions think they can do anything and everything? They arrive home tired and exhausted, 11 hours after leaving and still have to attend staff meeting. 

  One Friday night in June Papa’s and I headed to the train station to eagerly await the train. After a few minutes of observing one guy try to master some crazy stunt at the skateboard park while another guy vidoed him over and over, finally Sysco arrived!! Joyous reunions, short rides. Quick tours, explanations and introductions. And the rest of her stay flew by. 

  Saturday everyone was super nice and traded or just took my playduty hours. So we went to market and chilled and did random stuff and a bit of work. Sunday was a normal work day and then I had all of Monday off. What a day!! We headed off around 0830 to do a bit of local shopping and then we hit the road. Our first stop was a local rock attraction where we walked random trails hoping to find a way to climb up without asking directions for the right trail. Alas, no luck. So we turned away and headed for a tour of our sister home where Sysco’s mom spent a year of her life. McDonalds served as our lunch and we were on our way a again. After stopping at an old trading post and then viewing Canyon de Chelly from a lookout we wound our way toward Three Turkey Canyon. The backroads here are amazing. Roads, or shall I say ruts and potholes, branch off the main trail every few hundred feet and no sign of anyone in sight. You have to be good at following directions backwards to get out. And you have to know which side of which windmill to go around (it’s either the one you can see or the one you can’t see which may or may not actually be there.) We made it tho, after off reading for awhile with our trust little Titan and wondering if we were a bit lost. It’s quite the place and quite the climb, but if you ever happen to head down there please learn from us and take some water it’s quiet down in the canyon and there’s a trickle of water in some places. A little ways up one side are the ruins which were quite tempting to me except for the sign boasting a heavy fine and perhaps jail time if you were caught climbing up. I decided not to risk it. Another interesting story about the canyon, twenty-some years ago when Sysco’s mom was here, she and her friend were hiking the canyon one afternoon and got lost. Apparently it was coming morning before they were found. Since then a new and more clearly marked trail has been made but back then the trail was farther from the ruins and barely discernible. Well we were still a bit paranoid so we made sure we knew where to go and we easily for out. But it was a little exciting at times. Back to town for supper and a drive before heading back home for staff meeting. The next day was my first day of Head Cook and I was super happy to have Sysco here to help me with my ambitiousness. 

  Early Wednesday morning Sysco said goodbye and left. 

 When Dad, Mom, Bro and Sis came

  They arrived late one Friday night in July. Actually it was probably early Saturday morning by the time they got here. It was wonderful to see their faces again! The next morning I had off to go to market with them and do other shopping. We found a friend at market. His name was Nassar and when he found out we were from Canada he told us he was more impressed with the ‘president’ of Canada then the president of the states. He asked us to say hi to our president when we saw him. So Hi Trudeau. Hi from Nassar in New Mexico. The rest of the weekend they helped me with jobs and played with the kids and held the babies. We left the house early Monday morning and headed for Durango! We took our seats in a closed car on the steam train and soon headed up to Silverton. It was beautiful on a few hours of sleep and would have been more gorgeous on enough hours of sleep. We traveled 90.8 miles (round trip) following the Animas River til we reached Silverton at an elevation of 9000 feet. It took us about 3.5 hours one way but the scenery was worth it  (And once you paid 8 or 9 bucks you could have all the lemonade you wanted free for the rest of the ride.) we crossed over the Animas River numerous times and the occasional waterfall splashed down into it. It started raining just before we reached our destination which made for even more beautifulness. Apparently there were no roads up there.. only this train track. We could have got off the train partway up and zip lines they the trees for the rest of the day till the train came back but that’s not what we were there for apparently. After eating and walking around in the rain for awhile, we loaded back into the train and arrived back in Durango around supper time, tired and grouchy. 

  The rest of the time my family was here we just chilled and did stuff close to home. Tuesday night around midnight I said bye and went to sleep. Around 0230 they quietly left. So it ends. 

Facts and Non-fiction

  There’s not much to say about third float. The only time there are 3 people off and third float actually has a job is every 2-3 weeks on Alb day. And then 3rd float gets stuck with the worst job. In my case this was second nurse. And being second nurse on Alb day sucks. When I finally got a great at 1430 I had been on duty for 8.5 hours. Ok so lost people do that and more in a standard work day but they aren’t trying to keep track of twentysome kids on a meager staff. In the hot New Mexico sun. Ok maybe I am a Canadian wimp. Otherwise on normal days I had a bunch of playduty and daily clean up and random stuff. On Saturday 2nd and 3rd floats take the kids on outings. Unusually it’s the older kids but this time I made them mad when I decided the younger kids would go this time. We took them to a big old play structure with lots of hiding places. They loved it. 

  The highlight of my week was that my family was here for half of it!!

7-16-19 to 7-22-19

On Being A Monster

Greetings from the Master procrastinator. I meant to give you a post a month ago cuz I was pretty much caught up and I was going to stay caught up. Hah. I tried. Believe me I tried. But the inspiration left me. I wrote up a post about my boys and laundry week. But it was forced. Oh so forced. I was just going to tell you what I did at exactly what time. ‘At 0645 I stepped over the threshold of the laundry room to start my laundry. So just be thankful that I didn’t give you boringness whole you are unthankful that you don’t have anything new to read on here. I kept saying ‘oh I’ll write one up on break.’ We’ll break turned into tomorrow turned into weeks turned into months........and here it is. Today. So today I WILL do this. 

  I’ll explain a little bit about the title of my blog. ‘Why monsters?’ are some people’s thoughts. ‘She’s 19 and she’s had wonderful opportunities and a great life!’ Well those monsters sometimes get to a person. No matter if you have had a good life or no. Monsters, like dark clouds, can rain on anyone’s parade. Even if they are having a fairly wonderful day, week, month, year, whatever. Doesn’t matter if they are having a wonderful life or are hating life, the rain still comes. And either you can get over it and chill or you can be still whining when the sun is out. Enough preaching. 

  This, following, is what I wrote 2 years ago when my life broke irreparably.   

  

   It's the middle of the night. The deep breathing of sleeping humans is scattered thruout the house. Until a child's waking cry breaks the silence. It grows louder until she succeeds to rouse the sister <me> next to her. 'What's the matter?' I ask. 'Why are u crying?'

'Monsters,' she whimpers. Just 'Monsters.'

'It's OK, baby,' I whisper back. 'It was just a dream. Monsters aren't real.'

  How wrong I was.

  Everybody has at least one monster that makes its home under their bed. Some people call these monsters Satan. Some people call them Sin. Some people give them names like Pride and Selfishness and Mean-ness and Disobedience and Jealousy. I just call them monsters. These are not ordinary child-version monsters. These monters are not visible to the eye. Not tangible. But they are just as scary.

 This monster of mine can change its appreance. It can be huge or tiny. It can be red or it can be black. And it can do a myriad of different things. Sometimes this monster convinces me to do things I shouldn't do. It sees me talking and convinces me to get mad when I think someone else is wrong and I'm right. It sees me crying and convinces me that I have a harder life than other people. It sees me doing someone else's job and convinces me that I'm better than that someone else. It convinces me to think unkind thoughts about people and to treat them unkindly too. It sees me hurt and convinces me that maybe if I would have said and done something else than maybe my life would have turned out different. Better.

 But sometimes I fight this monster. Not by myself. If I try by myself it torments me worse. Instead I ask for the help of one certain Soldier. Together we can wound him and chase him away. But I always have to be careful because this monster never will die. It will keep on attacking me and convincing me to do wrong. The only way to keep him away is to follow my Soldier and do what he tells me.

 My own monster isn't the only one that can hurt me. Other people's monsters that live under their beds hurt me too. Sometimes they hurt me by convincing their person to say something mean. Or they convince their person to make up lies to take my little sisters away. But I can't blame these people. I also have a monster. And because our monters can change size and shape, no monster is worse or better than any other. I hate monsters.

  Memories. Two little girls. Hugs. Temper tantrums. Kisses. Scratches. Mischievous glints in two pairs of sparkling eyes. Time outs. Wise words spoken solemnly (repeated after Daddy). A few hurtful words rashly shouted. Yes monsters are real. But love is also real. And stronger.

  There you have it. The day my little sisters left and I was left with tears streaming down my face from those dark clouds, I could have accepted those monsters. And I could have been grouchy and tearful for the rest of my life. But I chose to chase those dark clouds, those monsters away. Those two girls were my sisters for 5 years and I will always think of them as my sisters. I won’t forget about them but I’ll forget about those dark clouds that were in the way for awhile. 

  I see my little sisters in these children I take care of now. And it might hurt to see my sisters in these kids and know I will never see my sisters again. But I can’t not love these kids for the hurt they unknowingly cause me. Maybe I love them more for it. Maybe I love them more for the fact that I can see them and I will never see my sisters again. 

A Week In My Life

I've rarely in my life been more thankful than when Angelo's eyes slowly shut and he was at last sleeping.

The characters from my 'boys and laundry' week
 Asher - He's a _Daniel in the Lion's Den_ obsessed 10-year-old. One minute he wants to eat pulse and pray to the God of Heaven 3 times a day like Daniel and the next minute he's playing military. For awhile he was into making the other kids do exercises (he had the 5-year-olds doing pushups)  and getting them to take sides and fight wars. He's an intelligent boy with a mind full of ideas and interests. The chalkboards in the gym and the cement outside have been covered with math equations and roses. He's trying to stretch himself so he can lie about his age and join the firefighter ranks before he is legally old enough.
 Keegan - Tho outwardly tough, he's a soft 8-year-old inside. I guess life has thrown too many stones at him and softness has to work to get past the crusty exterior those stones caused. On the playground he can be a nasty one but in the evening when everyone is running around giving hugs he likes to come and sit on my lap for a few seconds.  He's right in the middle of two brothers- one who is intelligent and one who is a big baby- so he sometimes feels like he has to beg for attention. The sides of his head are buzzed, leaving the top long, which he always combs over to one side. His favourite thing to do is sneak a stuffy into the playroom after supper (where there are supposed to be no toys) to play a rowdy game of football with his friends. He and i have a never-ending game of tag that we play. Makes life interesting.
Jacob - He's a spunky, chubby 3-year-old. He's adorable and he's a mess. He's got long hair that is constantly in his eyes. He's not afraid of much. If he's supposed to be taking a bath or going to bed, or if he just feels like it, he'll run down the hall and dive under his bed. Apparently he doesn't want to be pulled out tho cuz when i ask if he needs help coming out, he always appears by himself quite rapidly. This is at least the second time he and his sisters have been here. Poor kids.
 David - He's a fearless 7-year-old. And he doesn't learn. Numerous times a day I'll find him writhing around on the ground like a soccer player after he tried a new stunt. It never takes long and he's up again trying something else stupid. Listening is another one of his weak points. If he could help it the word "listen" would not be in his vocabulary. Or even in the dictionary. He arrived here with his little sister whom he adores.  He had been the one who took care of her at home and he's very protective of her here too. He informed us that she loves watermelon. She's five months old.
 Angelo- Angelo was a doll. Still is but just not here. He was only here for two days. He's an autistic 3-year-old who doesn't talk and instead conveys his feelings and needs with chirps and squeals and screams and scratches. He gets overwhelmed easily. He would often take my face in his tiny hands and gently rub my cheeks. He always sat by me at mealtimes and when everything was getting too much for him he'd bury his head in my lap or grab my arm and pinch and scratch. He had long black hair that was in a beautiful French braid when he came. Apparently his mom always did it like that and I found that of you put him in front of running water he stood still long enough to do it. He was obviously well taken care of and taught when he came. Apparently there was some sort of mixup and he was released back to his mom very shortly. I talked to his mom for a while and I could tell that she truly loved him and took super good care of him despite his difference from other boys.
 Kaden - Kaden is a big baby. Big head, too, and big eyes. He likes to feel a lot older than his five years which seems to be typical for the youngest. He always has to be up to date on what's happening around here. When we're outside, he's forever holding the door open, wondering what's happening at the far end of the hall (the main part of the house and action) and hoping to be the first to know what's up. His voice is stuck on one setting. Extra loud, unfortunately.
Zander - Zander is a quieter 9-year-old. His round face and eyes make him appear innocent . He's not super innocent tho. He doesn't do anything major that you can catch him at but he's often slyly doing small stuff, often getting others in trouble. His football throws have a perfect spiral to them. He's a mean shot on the basketball hoop in the gym. He's quite protective of his little brother who will often go to him for protection from the other kids and who loves to sit on his lap at devotions.
 Edward- In the first few days he was here, I never heard 3-year-old Edward say a word. By now he has warmed up to this place and doesn't hesitate to be silly or tell you "he being _meeeean_." He's still kinda quiet like his big brother and he's very charming. His almost-buzzcut and round face and darling smile make him a favourite around here.
The facts from my 'Boys and Laundry' week
- to the best of my recollection, 99 loads of laundry passed through the three washers and dryers and back into their respective rooms with the help of my hands.
-101 sets of teeth were brushed under my care (eight different boys)
- I said the words "Boys are dismissed" 19 times. And I wouldn't be surprised if I heard "Addie, dismiss us quick" the same number of times after the cook dismisses teachers.
- another interesting thing is that the boys' teacher gives the 1st nurse teacher break from 1030-1145 every morning. At first I took my laundry in there to fold but pretty soon it was too busy in there with a very spoiled 8-month-old, a very squishy 5-month-old, a very sad 1-year-old and a very new baby. By new I mean two days old when we got her on the second day of my Boys week.

The week that you just read about was July 9-15.

On Being First Float

Well my lucky two weeks. It just so happens that if you are 1st float on a week that’s not Alb week, you will most likely be mopping almost every day. Now that’s not so bad if you didn’t have to do most of the mopping the week before. Out of the last 14 days, I have mopped 10 of them. Needless to say I was happy to hand the mop and pail over to the next person. My next complaint about my 1st float week was that I had to be KA for 2.5 days and Head Cook for another half. Oh well. C’est la vie.

First float does a lot of floating.  It has a few daily and weekly jobs but not too many. If someone has a whole day off, first float has to take their job. If there are 2 people off (whole or half day) then first float gets to choose which job they foist on to second float.

My Week Looked Like This:

                          morning       afternoon
Tuesday.         1st float.        Girls.
Wednesday.    1st float.       OFF!
Thursday.        1st float         KA.
Friday.              KA.                 KA.
Saturday.         KA.                 KA.
Sunday.            1st float.        Girls.
Monday.           1st float.        Head Cook.



This all happened July 2-July 8, 2019.

A Day in the Life Head Cook

There is this confusing thing that goes on here. On a normal morning 1st float mops the dining room, kitchen and bathroom floors. If there is one girl off in the morning, then second float does it and if there are 2 off then the kitchen girls do it. So if you happen to be head Cook on Alb Week* like I was, then you will probably be mopping almost every day.

I have this problem where I like to make fancy food. So this week was quite busy for me. Thankfully I had food in the freezer from my nights week, and I had help sometimes. Otherwise IDK if we ever would have eaten on time. Another kind of stressful thing was that the Alb unit was here on Saturday and Sunday. But the guys did all my wiping chairs with Clorox wipes and sweeping so that part wasn’t stressful.

Most Saturday mornings the kitchen girls go to Market with 1st Nurs Teacher. (Market is 2 long rows of stalls in the hot heat and sandy sand where they sell jewelry, blankets, pottery, food, trash, and whatnot all.) This Saturday Papa’s were gone so I had to monitor a visit besides making company lunch, so I didn’t go. And when Papa left I must have looked like the most convenient person around, so he got me to be the foreman on the job the Alb guys were supposed to do. Busy morning it was. But then in the evening we got to play ball and do other crazy stuff (double down the hill on the wiggle cars anyone?).

So what head cook does is: get some sort of protein or grain on the table for breakfast, and then protein and grain for lunch and supper. And make sure to do one whole grain a day. We get refunded for 3 meals a day, so everything has to be documented meticulously. Then there are a bunch of weekly jobs to do. I was not bored. Bored of being in the kitchen yes but not bored as in not knowing what to do.

*Alb week ~the week one girls leaves and another comes. It happens on one day, and 3 girls and Papas are gone all day, which makes home crazy for the day. So we order pizza for supper. Actually it makes the whole week crazy.

BTW my cook week was 6/25/19 - 7/01/19

On Crazy Life

On Crazy Life






SCHEDULE
0600 playtime in the small playroom
0800 breakfast
0830 play outside
1200 lunch
1230 outside again
1500 snack
1530 bath time and play in the gym
1800 supper
1830 small playroom with no toys
1900 devotions
1930 bedtime




While most of the works out there start their new week on Sunday morning, our weeks start on Monday evening, kicked off by a staff mtg. Staff mtgs don’t take too long and can be quite hilarious and informal. Sometimes we tell the new girl that we wear tie downs to staff mtg but that usually ends quite quickly cuz we don’t really feel like wearing them if we don’t have to. One of the most interesting things about staff mtg is Papa’s stories. He usually receives a pinch from Mama or has us all in stitches. Or both. Tuesday’s we all start on our new jobs which I’ll explain a bit later. The days largely go the same. Two girls watch the kids all the time (check the playduty schedule on the fridge for tomorrow!) About 2 days a week we set up the pools and the kids go swimming in the afternoon. On Saturday the kids get to go on outings which is a big highlights for them. The big kids get to go bowling or rollerblading or hiking or whatever 1st and 2nd float girls decided to do and then the younger ones get to go play in McDonald’s while the teachers with them order snack for  everybody (think upwards of $60 for 30-35 people). Sunday morning at 1000 most of the kids assemble around the dining room table for Sunday School. Church starts in the chapel off the gym around 1030. Our services consist of a few songs by everybody, a verse and songs by the Sunday School kids, a message or talk by Papa or who ever dares to visit over Sunday, and a few songs by the teachers. By 1145 the button down shirt clad boys and dress clad girls are running off the steam built up from sitting in church while the kitchen girls scurry to get a fancy Sunday dinner on.  Sunday evening we have an early kids’ supper (1730) and when the kids are finally sleeping we have our own staff supper and party. Monday is our last day on our weekly cleaning jobs and we quickly try to finish the cleaning and whatever we should have done earlier in the week. And then our weeks are back where they started. Monday night staff meeting.



JOBS

Second Nursery children ages 1.5ish to 2ish.              
     A lot of girls claim their favourite job is 2nd Nursery. It’s not mine. You’re trying to get all their teeth brushed and some of them are off stuffing socks in the humidifier. You’re trying to get them all food and invariably one of them leaves half their meal on the floor. On paper, 2nd Nursery doesn’t have much to do. Brush teeth twice a day, naps in the morning, play duty, and put them to bed. But these kids are mighty. They may be small, but they’re mighty.

First Nursery
1st Nursery is stuck way down the hall where there isn’t super much action until the babies are sleeping. Basically you try to keep all your kids happy. When I first wrote this we had one baby. Now we have four, including a newborn. 1st Nurs is the only job that has set breaks. 1030-1145 and 1500-1530

Night Duty
Night duty is very much what it sounds like. I have a recent post called “A Night in the Life” you can refer to for more info.

Kitchen Assistant
One thing I can say, KA is my least favourite job. All you do is dishes. And make a fruit (remember to do dishes) and veggie for every (dishes!) meal. And do dishes and water flowers and do dishes and go to bed. Oh and set miles of table. And give 1st Nurs afternoon break.

Head Cook
This is not my favourite job either. Maybe because I tried to make too many extravagant meals. Do not do this. You will get no sleep. You supply a protein and grain for everyone at every meal and a whole grain once a day. Lots of cleaning. But all I have to do is write stuff on the list and Papas will go shopping or Papa will  order it online for me. Head cook will get a post all to itself in the coming days.

Boys and Laundry
Take care of boys and do laundry. And playduty. And first nursery break. More coming soon.

Girls and Cleaning
Try to keep track of the girls, a bunch of cleaning, playduty, repeat.

1st, 2nd, 3rd Float
Take over for girls who have off, vacuum and mop every day, drive school kids, helps with home work, do play duty. They do what they sound like they do. They float.

Random Happiness and Ramblings

Little Things

•Voices I hear that I haven’t heard for a while
•Friends who come to see me
•Much needed sleep
•These people down here
•Faxes from Mom\Dad\Sisters\Brother
\Friends
•Kindness, unexpected
•Soft little babies to cuddle even when you need to put them down and they don’t want to be put down
•Awake kids who keep you company on long nights
•Playing crazy things with the 6 oldest kids
•Deliciousness (Reece’s anyone?)
•’Wuv oo’s’
•Obedience
•God
•Life
•Cheesy grins
•When little A finally closes his eyes and sleeps
•Accomplishments that I’ve been wanting to accomplish for many days

This makes me think of the song we used to sing so much that I got super sick of it.
“Where would I rather be on this beautiful day than in the house of God to sing and pray?!”

Usually we interpret the “house of God” to mean church, and “sing and pray” we take literally. But today I’m thinking that the “house of God” is wherever I am living for Him. If it’s just living my normal Christian Life, or teaching or helping needy people, or taking care of rejected, neglected children. If we are serving Him where He wants us to be then we are in the “house of God on this beautiful day.” Singing and praying can still be taken literally because that’s what we do on a daily, even hourly basis. But it can also be our other actions. Maybe it was the meal that was cooked, or the hug that was given, or the wave that was waved, or the word that was said. In a sense we are singing and praying to God if we do these things how God wants us to.
“God’s spirit hovering, so divinely pure, around His chosen ones who are gathered there”.

A Night in the Life

A Night in The Life

Night Duty

•The only 1 of 25+ people awake all night

•official shift starts at 2200 ends at 0715

•checks every half hour from 2200 to 0600

•cleans 7 bathrooms every night 

•does the kitchen laundry

There you have it. That’s night duty. Oh. You want more. Ok. I can do that. 

2200 it’s the beginning of my shift. My bathrooms are already all cleaned and the kids have been (mostly) sleeping since 2000. I put our newest child (Kareena, 4months) back in her crib on my first night check. A bunch of our staff have been offf partying since early evening so I’ve been first nurse teacher since 1630. Kareena did not want to be put down after she fell asleep so she’s been held most of the evening. 

2330 The partiers are backs and most everyone has gone back to bed. A few stragglers roam around finding food and water and showing visiting family members around, but for the most part I’m some. Kressida (7mo) wakes up so I fix her the bottle she is sure to want. Meanwhile Jessie (1yr) starts crying and wakes up the other two girls in second nursery. Despite all being awake at once they’re all sleeping again pretty soon and I head back down the long hall to my station in the dining room. 

0145 it’s been pretty quiet for the last 2 hrs. Tony 3 yr old Alice came crying to the dining room but entry right back to sleep when I took her back to to bed. Kitchen laundry is done and folded. 

0330 I seem to have picked the quietest night to write about.  Last night Jessie was crying every 7 minutes and I was trying to get frauds stuff done in the kitchen. The night before Landon was standing silently by the kitchen door every 10 minutes from 0200-0400 and I’d jump every time I walked out of the kitchen door. That 10 minutes isn’t even an exaggeration unless I had just been sitting by his bed for 20 minutes.  Then he’s wait maybe 15 minutes before coming to the kitchen. But now that I’ve just talked about what a quiet night it’s been it’ll probably get crazy. Only 1 of the 3 first nursery babies has been up yet so I might hear a few wails from there pretty soon

0400 the continuous “Rockabye Baby” that comes over the minutes from 1st and 2nd nursery is interrupted by a fuss. Finally someone awake to make my night a bit more interesting. I fix Alexander a bottle but he refuses to go back to sleep in the bright living room. His wife black eyes drink in everything of this room that he doesn’t get to see very often. It’s nice to have company so I hold him awhile before I put him back in his crib. Soon Karinnah wakes up and seems to think it’s morning. 

0445 ahhh yes my night is turning out interesting after all. Karinnah is still awake. Avril has climbed out of her crib and it’s no use putting her back as she’ll either climb out again or wake the other kids. Or both. 

I do my 5 o’clock check with a baby in one arm and a 3 yr old clinging to my other hand. Seeing as it’s 5 the early rising kids can at last get out of bed. At least 1 or 2 come out of every room. Including Kressida from first nurse. Back in the living room I have a baby on the floor surrounded by 4 or 5 admirers, a baby in my arms, and someone waking up every few minutes. 

Finally, after my 0530 check, I take everyone to the playroom where there isn’t so much to get into. I anxiously await 0600 when the play duty girls come down, and hope they might be a few minutes early. A dozen of our 16 kids are sleepily roaming around the playroom, also hoping the playduty girls will be down early so they can get out the toys. One of the babies is sleeping on my lap (I don’t understand how, with all the noise and commotion) and the other one is communicating quite loudly that she wants her morning bottle. Usually only 5 or 6 of the kids are up before 6 so things ere getting a bit out of hand. 

Finally at 0600 I can escape the ruckus and hand the big kids over to the 2 sleepy girls who aren’t very happy that they have to do early play duty again. Once I have the first nursery babies settled back down I turn to second nurse to comb and dress the 3 girls in there. 

0630 is not my best time when I’ve been up all night as Avril found out. After second nurse are ready for the day and herded back into the playroom I return to first nursery. There again I get those 3 ready for the day and then I try not to fall asleep til the first nursery teacher takes over at 0715. Papa has it figured out that it’s pretty hard to stay awake those last 45 minutes in 1st nursery so he usually shows up around 0700 to make sure I don’t sleep too much. 

0715 My official shift is over. Back in the dining room I finish up the diaries I had started just before things got busy. Every night I have to write a few words about how each child slept. Next on my list is breakfast (or is it supper?) and then I fall into bed between 0730 and 0800. 

That’s just one night. Most nights I found something to do in the kitchen to keep me from being bored and falling asleep. I fear I was a bit too ambitious there. A few nights I didn’t do much for fear that a new kids would be up every 2 minutes but mostly they slept through the night. Two night one of my friends staying up with me until 1 o’clock which was very much appreciated. And another highlight was the night Landon slept til after 0600 instead of his normal 0430.  And Pardon the lateness. My night duty week started June 10th with my last night being the 16th. I was happy to be done but I did like the solitude. 

Om Fireworks and Split Personalities

July 4

We sat up on those rocks together 

Not much disturbance, just me and her

Both of us awed by the situation

The dark sky exploding with man’s creation

Her eyes full of wonder, she uttered exclamations,

As she waited and watched in anticipation

Of the booming, the splendour, the smoke, the sparks 

That were man’s creations, blowing up, leaving their marks

For me a different awe of disturbance and sadness 

How does pollution and smoke fill one with gladness?

The brightness and haze eliminated my view 

Of the stars and the moon in that great vastness of blue

Which one of us was correct? I wondered, 

As man’s amazing creation covered up God’s splendour

She sat there excited; I sat there in shame.

But her and I, we’re one and the same. 

First Nursery

When you walk into the room at 0715 with your arms lade with the things you might need during the day, the night girl is very happy to see you.

I walk into first nursery at 0715 on Tuesday, June 4 with my arms full of stuff I may or may not need during the day or even the year. But at least I have it. The night girl sleepily hands over whichever baby she is holding, happy to be literally and figuratively handing the babies over to me and heading to bed. The babies , Alexander (A) and Kressida (K) are playing on the floor, still kind of sleepy.
Alexander has been here all of his 6 months. He wasn't given a name when he was born so he is called by his last name.  I think his name means slim but he is quite the opposite. Typical. He's a soft, lazy baby. And spoiled. He has a hard time letting Kressida be held cuz he wants to be. He loves bouncing endlessly in his jolly jumper but he doesn't know what to do with his arms in there. It looks very awkward.
 Kressida is about 7 months old. She's very used to a cradle board and is consequently quite stiff. She has a very ready smile and laugh and is content to play on the floor or hold her own bottle ot fall asleep by herself in her crib. She has a strong dislike for carrots and a mild dislike for peas. Unlike her 1st nurse partner, she loves to eat but it takes her awhile to figure out how to open her mouth if you wait too long between bites.
 By 8 o'clock when the bell rings for breakfast we who are being fed are already at the table eating. Alexander has just started eating actual baby food and has yet to figure out how to actually open his mouth and eat. You can feed him the same bite about 6 times and still have a spoonful left over. Naptime is whenever we get tired (0930 ish) to 1145. (My break is 1030-1145) After lunch is over we load up into the bumbo seats in the wagon that takes us everywhere and go for a ride. Sometimes we ride around the kitchen and chat with Head Cook and Kitchen Assistant. Sometimes we go outside and play on the grass for awhile. Sometimes we just go back to our little room and play in our swings or jolly jumpers or on the floor till we get grouchy (around 1400) and go to sleep. I get another break from 1500-1530 and when I get back I wake them up and give them baths.
 Our room is all the way at the opposite end of the hall of the kitchen and dining room, across from 2nd nursery. Well actually it's two adjoining rooms, one with rocking chairs and many toys and activities and one with cribs and a dreaded changing station and a big sink that is our bath. Through the not-so-soundproof walls of our play room we can hear the big kids playing outside and the windows are full of handprints from the ones who think we are more interesting than their toys.
 By 1800 we are bathed and back in the dining room being fed again.  Or pretending to be as sometimes the case might be for some of us.
 After supper Papa takes control of the wagon's destinations for a few minutes and I use this time to dash back to first nursery and fix bottles and empty the diaper genie and get things ready for the night. Usually by 1930 when the others are finished devotions and are coming noisily down the hall, the babies are sleeping and my only duties left for the day are half hour checks till 2200.

On Sheep and Taking Liberties

 In the midst of our work we do have time for fun. Saturday (the  8th) morning by 0715 there were 4 of us heading out in our muddy little Nissan Titan. Two hours, a stop for gas and for McDonalds later we reached our destination. Several handshakes and name exchanges later, there were 20 of us girls heading down the trail into the canyon. The trip down consisted of polite chatting and a stop in a small cave to sing a song. Extreme brakes were needed at some points as the downward clime usually pushed you into a run. At the bottom, the white ruins on the side of the canyon wall awaited us but after a few glances and exclamations the river was the main focal point and the occasional jeep splashing thru it was a favorite topic of conversation. After a few minutes of splashing and shrieking and bemoaning the fact that we had to hike back up, we started climbing for the top and thinking about what awaited us up there. Food. Or that's what kept me going anyways. And the thought of cold water to drink. The hike back up, tho hot and tiring, only took us about 15-20 more minutes than the run down which had been about half an hour. So for those of you who have forgotten what you learned in school, that was about 47 minutes of glancing longingly toward the top of the cliff and exclaiming every few minutes how out of shape you are and vowing to get into better shape after this. Actually I'm not sure if those last 2 statements are true. They just seem like they fit. I guess I'm taking liberties to put thoughts into peoples' minds that may or may not have ever been there. Anyways we all reached the top eventually and performed our search for water which we found with the help of some vehicle keys and also L whose familiar face I was happy to see. Soon we loaded up the vehicles again and headed for the most important part of this whole deal (for me). Lunch. After devouring our food and after a few impatient time checks on my part, we stepped into our truck and headed for home where we arrived by about 1430. The few who were left at home were happy to relinquish their duties to us for awhile and have a much needed break.
 Back in the good old days people used to grow peaches and sheep in the canyon. Ok so technically you don't grow sheep but I think the sheep did grow down there except maybe they worked off all the food they ate climbing the path up afterwards. Also the little holes in the ground aren't made by ants like they look like they would be and seem like they would be with all the ants crawling around them. They're made by locusts. Don't ask me the full story cuz I can't tell you cuz I don't know it but when the locusts come out of those holes they go into the trees to dry off. Or something like that. Yeah I know. Those comments were brilliant and enlightening. You are welcome.
 As you may have guessed, the meeting and being with many new people was not the highlight of my day.

On Little Ys and Big Whys

Picture me, down a long hall in a dark room, surrounded by 4 little sleeping faces. Shouldn't be too hard. Got the pic? Ok good. Sleeping might be the only thing these faces have in common besides being in this place at this time. Jessie* and Jolene* are sisters but a shared last name is where the similarities end for these two. Jessie is a vivacious and sweet one year old who loves to be hugged and held. This place and our sister home not an hour away are pretty much the only homes she has ever known. Jolene is a different story. At two she is one of our naughtier kids. It doesn't bother her to pinch or hit or hurt someone else anytime she wants. You can literally watch her face soften as she drifts off to sleep but a troubled look still creases her face in slumber. Apparently she comes by it honestly. 1-year-old Yo* is a spoiled, charming little boy with a silly grin and wonderful hugs. His favorite people are Mama and Papa and often it takes one of them to quiet him down before he sleeps. And then there is almost-3-year-old Sammy*. She was a sweet little girl who only stayed a few days but apparently had been here before. A quiet child, she often sat on your lap or played peacefully by herself. Or with Landon* who made fast friends with her when he tirelessly pushed her in the swing for an amazingly long time. Darling little Sammy who understood way too much for her age, who cried and wrapped her arms around me when I told her she was leaving us.
 How do one and two year olds know enough to understand about their hard lives? Why do they have to understand that much? Why do they're lives have to be this hard? Why do these kids have to be here with 11 mothers instead of just 1?Why did I get so privileged to be able to have a wonderful childhood with loving parents who took care of me? Why, why, why???
 Why can't life ever supply answers to the questions it makes us ask?

*not their real names

On the Consequences of Life

It doesn’t matter if one is tough, they still get to a person. They come in many different shapes and sizes. They can be to big people or to little people. They can come after a few days or after many days.  They can be big ones of big consequence or big ones of small consequence or any mixture of big and small and consequences of equal or unequal sizes. They can happen to fast or too slow. They can happen unexpectedly or you can be expecting them yet not be ready for them. They can last for a few days or weeks or sometimes months, years, and even for eternity. Sometimes they are unknown. I have experienced them all. I am well versed in goodbyes. 

But goodbyes mean I am privileged enough to have loved and be loved. 

On Surviving Kitchens

 

For the last two weeks in this enchanting land of Red I have been stuck in the kitchen staring at white. Two endless weeks of doing dishes, setting tables, dreaming about recipes (not literally), trying to prepare fruits and veggies in a way little people will eat them (lesson learned: stick with the basics), and wishing to be outside with the aforementioned little peoples. And now l, 300 dishwasher loads later (probably more like 400 actually), I’m (pretty much) done. As I write this (May 16) I have one more day left (for now). While setting those endless tables (upwards of 20, 3 times a day) and doing those endless dishes, I didn’t always feel like I’d survive. The few breaks I got from these everyday tasks I had to cook for over 20 people. What lovely breaks. But I did survive it. My friend (John Green in Paper Towns <no I don’t highly recommend it>) who stated such obvious truths in such eloquent ways says, “I’m not saying that everything is survivable l, just that everything except the last thing is.” Thanks, John.
So guys I guess this is over a week late. Sorry. The kid life of this place has totally engulfed me. Pushing swings, playing McDonalds, dealing out bandaids, holding hurting kids, driving school children,.... little A and her whispered “wuv you” after her prayer, sensitive I praying specifically for me when I put her room to bed, baby K with her ready smile and big eyes that are so very curious (especially at night), the J girls who have no conscience and can throw the most amazing fits (they come by it honestly, I’m told). It’s a busy life. A crazy life. I love it.

On Phone Calls and Waiting

This child care home and its inhabitants claimed me almost 3 weeks ago. But only now, a few phone calls and faxes and emails later- 19 days after I reached here- am I finally cleared to work with these little and not so little humans. It took 19 days, but now I have also claimed this as Home and the inhabitants as family. It was worth the wait.

On Being Four and Uncaring

When you are four, and fed up with life,
You don’t care what happens; you’ll kick and cause strife
Or pinch or pull or bite or hit
Or occasionally be kind if you feel like it
A few f-bombs you drop, a few books you have hurled
You feel the world is after you so you go after the world
You wish you we’re back with your mom or your dad
Who didn’t care whether you were good or bad
They neglected you, abandoned you, left you no innocence
Maybe they loved you, but my love is different
My life is something you do not understand
You don’t know the warmth that can come from a hand
Instead of just slaps and uncaring neglect
You respond to love with nastiness so punishments you’ll get
You pull out all tricks to make people dislike you
Cuz that’s what you know and think you want, too
Then no one who knows you will be shocked
When you say that bad word, when you throw that rock
Or kick that friend or break that toy
You think you are happy being that naughty boy
But deep down inside though uncaring you seem
Is a plea for love if someone can see through your masked identity of wanting love
But because you can’t know how to ask for love
You keep being bad and making people sigh
By being a bully, by telling your lies
But deep down inside it’s not you that they hate
It’s your actions that they don’t appreciate
They don’t know what it’s like to be you
They don’t know how to give their love to you
When you seem to just want timeouts
And you kick and cry and scream and pout
And by these actions make it seem
That you just want a bad boy to be
But I’ll show you love as best I can
I’ll hug you, love you and show you then
How to be a good little person and how to act
When given love and what to do when it is expected back

Identical

It’s almost comical when the weather is in the same mood as you. But it’s also a comfort. You are not alone in your feelings. You’re in this together with someone. Your boat is not yours alone; the weather is sailing (or sinking) with you. You could could trade shoes and you would know how to handle the mile you walk for the weather. And no one would know you weren’t wearing your own rubber boots (or sandals.) You can hide in plain sight out in the weather because you are so much the same; you would have to change your mood or the weather would have to change before you could be found.