Saturday, December 3, 2022

The Blessing of Blessings

She said it best, for all of us. What she posted a few days ago here, I will repost.

 

 

First we scoured Kijiji. 200$ seemed like a lot back then. She was worth every penny.   

She was the darling of the family as a baby. We didn’t have any other babies then. I was the only girl at home. I spent time chilling with her, reading and cuddling while the others were in school.   

We debated her name. We found the perfect name, a nod to our recent past, a way of keeping Africa alive in Canada. Blessings.   

She grew into an obnoxious tween, a little awkward, very bouncy.   

All the people (not actually all.)  made fun of her name. They thought her wrinkles were ugly. They were annoyed because she was so loving.  

She grew up, into the gentlest of dogs. She was intuitively precious with all our babies. We never sawed a bared tooth or heard an impatient growl no matter which baby girl pulled to standing on her fur.   

Not everyone saw her as gentle. Her deep voice and large size intimidated all the delivery drivers and caused even the bravest Jehovah’s  Witness to abandon their witness with a string of expletives.   

She was always there, undemanding, patient, a friend, a companion, an unbiased listening ear, a furry shoulder to cry on. Always there.   

At an old age she was forced to adopt a rambunctious child. The playful child kept her young just a little longer, but she was always the boss. The child is lovely, but she can never be a replacement for Blessings.  

She got old and crippled. She continued to be there, even in pain, for the little boy who names his stuffies after her and the sensitive little girl who benefited from the passive therapy only a animal can give. She was still always there  whenever I came home to visit , staggering as fast as she could to meet me. She kissed my baby the last time we were there and he wiggled with delight. I guess I kind of knew it might be the last time we’d see her.   

“Do dogs go to heaven?” the little one asked. She said it for all of us. Most of us have never had to say goodbye to a pet this loved.   

We’ll miss you, Blessings.

Tuesday, November 22, 2022

Highlings and Lowlights and Random Information

Ungraded to Comfort+! Twice the legroom of the backseat of a Ford truck! 

The lady beside me plays a game while watching a movie on split screen on her phone. Open the window already!! She does for landing but only glances out the window hurriedly a few times before bending back to frantically tap her screen, effectively blocking my view with her bent head. 

No missed flights.. just a few late and/or delayed ones.. and a few early ones. Window seats 7 out of 8 flights! By choice tho, so not too surprising. 

Leaving my jacket on the very first flight of the trip and have to suffer thru the cold the rest of the week. And being paranoid about losing something else with so much travel. 

Excitement. Suddenly the old man directly in front of me was not responding and his side sitters were pushing the call button and the flight attendants were paging for doctors and the ER doctor used his 'Fisher Price' stethoscope and talked to his wife and got him responding and decided he was just dehydrated not having a heart attack. And they took him to the back of the plane in a wheelchair and started an IV. 

Suddenly Kayla was backing the bright red Honda Civic out of the parking space as fast as she pulled in. The source of the panic lay on the ground beside the immaculate white Ford truck. A golf club. Shattered glass on the ground. A hole thru the front passenger window. Did they see us coming and run? Why leave the golf club? Would our rented Civic meet the same fate? 

Our plane moved just as fast as the sun was rising. The view I saw as we were coming in for landing was the same as when we took off. Only this time, snow covered mountains made it even more spectacular.

Sunday, November 20, 2022

Monday, November 14, 2022

What Is The Hardest Part?

Is it the hour long drive, made even longer by going under speed limit so he has that much less time at that crazy Otherhome? 

 Is it the drop off? If Mama is there, it goes ok; Mama gets hugs and the latest news from Ourhome. If Daddy is there it's usually fine also. But if a different someone is there the faces grow long and tears start to well up in their eyes and it's so so SO hard to leave them in that situation. 

 Is it the drive home? Knowing that any minute now someone will probably start yelling at them, someone will start being neglected because it's hard for one person to give 4 extra needy, high maintenance kids the attention they need RIGHT NOW! 

Or maybe it's the next few quiet days. No screaming distractions, hour long bath/cleanup/eating struggles. Just bliss. Except, how is Kiddo doing? Is She getting enough sleep? Are they getting their homework done? Who's yelling at them today? Who's supposed to be responsible for them but instead they are getting their own food or spending hours at the TV/tablet? 

I got it. It's Friday evening when She and Kiddo arrive back at Ourhome from Otherhome. It starts already at pick-up. Guilty feelings because the 2 that are 'ours' always get to come but the others rarely do. And then on the way home, with one bugging the other or vice versa. The older one gets away with being older, the younger one gets away with being younger. And that irks both of them and they take it out on each other. And then the long evening of trying to get people thru the bath and into bed without too much crying and/or hitting. 

No, maybe the next few days, until She leaves for school. When they seem to be at each other the whole time and nothing ever goes right for either of them and then the rest of us suffer. Or maybe after She goes home and Kiddo doesn't have anyone to play fight with and you have to deal with a needy Kiddo while your mind is also wondering how She is doing back at Otherhome with whoever is stand-in parent for the day and how She's doing at school. 

Ha. Nope. You go it all wrong. The hardest part is actually myself. My agenda. The hardest part is saying 'I'm not going to go be with my friends tonight because Kiddo need me to give him an early bath and spend some quality time before bed.' The hardest part is dropping what you are doing and changing your plans because something (which is absolutely anything at this point) triggered the fight or flight mode and now She is distraught, not comprehending anything said, and is being what we think is completely irrational and believing things that are incredibly farfetched. The hardest part is me.

Tuesday, October 4, 2022

The Truth, Unreconciled

 A 13 second voice message. In the background, shouting. A 9-year-old in an abnormally thin, quavering voice, pleading. 'Come pick me up.' And then, 'I don't want to be here.' 

Backtrack a few days. The same 9-year-old, bullying her siblings. Getting mad at someone who can't figure out what they did wrong. Using an abnormally harsh voice. The truth is that that is how she has learned from adults at her other home. The truth is that it hurts to talk about it so it builds up inside and comes out in what looks like bullying and anger. The truth is that I can't fix her other home for her. I can only try to make this one a place of happiness. Of safety.

So, next time, I'll take a deep breath. Offer a hug. Remember that voice message and try to give words that break thru, and be an example. And love her.

Sunday, September 18, 2022

Tuesday, July 19, 2022

Rainy Days

'Rainy days make me feel like dirt.' 

My head jerked up and I almost gasped out loud. I didn't hear the beginning or the rest of the conversation, but this comment caught my attention. Because I definitely do not feel like dirt on rainy days.

I love rain. I love rainy days. I wish for rainy days and sometimes I'm sad when the sun comes out after the rain. 

I think I partly love rainy days because of the endless possibilities. Sewing, reading, shopping, baking. That is if I can't go to work because of the rain. But even if I'm working inside and can go to work I have endless ideas of things to do at work. 

I also love rainy days because they are melancholy. I once read a saying that said 'sad is happy for deep people.' I don't know if I'm a deep person, but sad/melancholic things, like rainy days, make me happy.











 



Saturday, July 2, 2022

Throwback

I don't actually like fireworks. Bold statement from a girl who stays up late to watch them and exclaim over them, I know. But they make my head hurt. I try, but I can't even get super excited about the glittery fuzzle that most of the fireworks end in. I may comment on the ones that are better than the worse ones, but mostly, while I'm watching fireworks, I let my mind wander. And if I do watch fireworks, I prefer to watch where I can block part of the bright lights with some trees or something with natural beauty. 

 This next part is the throwback part, originally posted in July of 2019. 

 

July[4] 

We sat up on those rocks together                      Not much disturbance, just me and her                Both of us awed by the situation                        The dark sky exploding with man’s creation  

Her eyes full of wonder, she uttered exclamations,                                                          As she waited and watched in anticipation        Of the booming, the splendour, the smoke, the sparks                                                                    That were man’s creations, blowing up, leaving their marks  

For me a different awe of disturbance and sadness                                                                 How does pollution and smoke fill one with gladness?                                                                The brightness and haze eliminated my view     Of the stars and the moon in that great vastness of blue  

Which one of us was correct? I wondered,         As man’s amazing creation covered up God’s splendour                                                                She sat there excited; I sat there in shame.       But her and I, we’re one and the same.

Friday, May 13, 2022

Lego Firetruck Helicopters

'Heeeey' whines a 4 year old voice from across the room for what feels like the 100th time. 'My Lego firetruck helicopter broke.' I want to say 'Kiddo, that's what happens when you make the bad guys push the good guys off the side of the table. Besides, there's no such thing as firetruck helicopters.' But instead I take a deep breath and think about this 4 year old and his 4 years of life.  

 

My mind takes me back to another day. A short video. Children playing. A woman's voice, first normal, but within a few seconds it's an angry voice. A loud, angry voice shouting expletives at cowering children who were just doing normal children things. And this little 4 year old boy sits, intently focused on the screen in front of him. The screen that is playing out normal life for him.   

 It's a hard life. The life where you never know which adult will erupt at you next for something you didn't know not to do, or something you tried, but failed, to do all on your own. A life where you hear about or watch fighting and ghosts and shooting on TV for a few days a week, and then at your other 'home' you are reprimanded for playing the same things you hear about and see. A life with a semi-normal routine between two homes that easily changes if suddenly you inconvenience one home or the other.  

I think about this all, and I realize that what Kiddo needs is security. That he's testing me to find out if I will be there when he needs me.  

 

So what do I do? I leave what I'm doing, give tearful Kiddo a smile and a hug, and go and rebuild that Lego firetruck helicopter.

Monday, February 28, 2022

Now Boarding Flight (insert number here)

On the way: I hate flying alone. Correction. I don't mind the flying part, but the part where I myself am responsible to keep track of all my stuff and figure out which concord to take and how to make sure I'll make it to my gate on time and even if it is the right gate, that's what makes me nervous. For days beforehand. The actual flying part, the part where the plane accelerates super quick as if it's a race, the snowy landscape below stretching out for miles all around, the miniature buildings and vehicles and roadways that seems like I could just reach down and rearrange as if I was a kid again, the part where you can feel the wheels touch ground and the sudden braking of the plane as if it was going to crash something, that I don't mind doing by myself. It's all too awe inspiring to stress about. But then- the crowds, the crush of people and the noisy chatter and the many colors of signs and the stores selling different variations of the same items and the many loudspeakers announcing different things and the race against time to get from one gate to the next, from one terminal to the next just in time to board, and then standing in the squished middle aisle of the plane, trying to get your bag shoved into the overhead compartments somewhere close to you. Those things could stress me out for days beforehand. Not to mention having to think about getting covid tests and making sure those documents are all in order. I did get stressed out. Especially because I was gone last weekend and left almost everything til last minute. But then, suddenly everything falls into place, people are super nice about giving me calls in between work, the covid test lady is talkative and gives me hints and tips, my bags are not super full (unusual!) and I even get to play hockey yet. This trip might turn out fine afterall. On the way back: 'Write a blog post,' said one voice. 'Read that certain book,' said another. 'People watch,' said yet another inaudible voice. And what did she do? She walked down the concourse with someone she had just recently met, til they had to part ways so one could leave the massive building and world of long concourses and big screens and lots of people wearing masks. She went and an iced caramel latte that was not even delicious and ambled around a few stores and back down the concourse before finding an empty chair in a relatively quiet place to sit down on. And then, she pulled out her book. But because she kept looking up at the people walking by, she didn't get much read. She pulled out her phone 'I'm bored,' she messaged one of her friends, who soon replied with some drama of her own. But still, that first voice kept nagging her. 'Hey. Now is a perfect time to write that post. You've got an empty gap of time that you need to fill up. Look around you, and you could find any number of things to write about.' Sometimes the voice was inaudible, in her mind, someimes it sounded like that of her sister's, who made the same comment a few weeks back. 'Hey, you haven't written a blog post in a while. You should start again.' Oh, but sister. I don't have the time. I don't feel like I have anything worthy to write about. My creative writing juices have all run out on me. I want to spend time with Kiddo instead of writing something that won't make any difference to anyone's day or life. Excuses. Maybe good ones, but still excuses. I was a bit stressed about the thing that they stick up your nose that dictates whether you can fly or you have to stay home. There were all sorts of documents that needed to be filled out on different apps and websites, pictures or QR codes to upload. Not to mention having to navigate airports, and the fact that I do not appreciate flying alone. And that was just before I had to go to a place crawling with excited, dramatic people of whom I only really knew about 8 of. I questioned myself a few times why I wanted to do this to myself. And if it was really worth it. But then, as I was struggling thru the list of things I had to get done yet, in between working, the day before I was to leave, suddenly the world decided to be nice to me. The one lady called right on time and got everything cleared up super fast, and was super nice about it, and it was a lot cheaper than I had expected. I got to the next stop in my day and I was kicking myself for not having the right documents with me. 'Do you have a picture of it?' the lady asked. And I was relieved to find out that a picture worked just fine, and pleased when she offered kindness and a few tips on what I was about to embark on. Things kept going on like that. I suddenly found out a few days before hand that a good friend was going to be attending the same event. I got to play a good game of hockey the evening before I left. I made my connecting flight, even though I walked off the place, basically ran down the halls and stepped right into line to board my next flight. I had a great time at the event with the people I knew, made some new acquaintances, and was the recipient of some great hospitality. When it was time to leave, I again had to have that fuzzy stick up my nose, and again, the lady who did it was kind and reassuring and said the unknowns would be all right. And so far they have been. I'm not sure where I'm going with this post. Maybe just updating you on my life. Maybe also thinking about a those cute wooden signs and stereotypical earth colored sweatshirts that say 'Be kind' on them. I would add the words 'Be cheerful' to the motto. If those people who called me, or stuck fuzzy, pointy things up my nose, or made me feel at home, or helped me in some way or other would have been grouchy to me, or made me feel like I shouldn't be where I was, I would probably have a headache right now, and wouldn't think the weekend was such a success. I'm not going to go out and buy a sweatshirt and browser those 4 words on it. But I'm going to try to be like those people. Also, have you ever wondered how the all the rug in airports gets cleaned? I'm not sure this is normally how it's done, but I saw a lady with a vacuum on one long concourse today.

City Girl

City girl. The words seem to be coming from everywhere. And they are true. I may not have grown up actually in the city, but now I have mov...