What Is The Hardest Part?

Is it the hour long drive, made even longer by going under speed limit so he has that much less time at that crazy Otherhome? 

 Is it the drop off? If Mama is there, it goes ok; Mama gets hugs and the latest news from Ourhome. If Daddy is there it's usually fine also. But if a different someone is there the faces grow long and tears start to well up in their eyes and it's so so SO hard to leave them in that situation. 

 Is it the drive home? Knowing that any minute now someone will probably start yelling at them, someone will start being neglected because it's hard for one person to give 4 extra needy, high maintenance kids the attention they need RIGHT NOW! 

Or maybe it's the next few quiet days. No screaming distractions, hour long bath/cleanup/eating struggles. Just bliss. Except, how is Kiddo doing? Is She getting enough sleep? Are they getting their homework done? Who's yelling at them today? Who's supposed to be responsible for them but instead they are getting their own food or spending hours at the TV/tablet? 

I got it. It's Friday evening when She and Kiddo arrive back at Ourhome from Otherhome. It starts already at pick-up. Guilty feelings because the 2 that are 'ours' always get to come but the others rarely do. And then on the way home, with one bugging the other or vice versa. The older one gets away with being older, the younger one gets away with being younger. And that irks both of them and they take it out on each other. And then the long evening of trying to get people thru the bath and into bed without too much crying and/or hitting. 

No, maybe the next few days, until She leaves for school. When they seem to be at each other the whole time and nothing ever goes right for either of them and then the rest of us suffer. Or maybe after She goes home and Kiddo doesn't have anyone to play fight with and you have to deal with a needy Kiddo while your mind is also wondering how She is doing back at Otherhome with whoever is stand-in parent for the day and how She's doing at school. 

Ha. Nope. You go it all wrong. The hardest part is actually myself. My agenda. The hardest part is saying 'I'm not going to go be with my friends tonight because Kiddo need me to give him an early bath and spend some quality time before bed.' The hardest part is dropping what you are doing and changing your plans because something (which is absolutely anything at this point) triggered the fight or flight mode and now She is distraught, not comprehending anything said, and is being what we think is completely irrational and believing things that are incredibly farfetched. The hardest part is me.